How I found out...

On June 6th 2004 ( a date that will remain carved into my brain forever) I had made plans to have lunch with two of my closest friends J and DW. This was quite normal and there was nothing that suggested to me that something odd might be going on. The first hint I got was when J came to my door at the expected time and refused to come in when I invited her in. She said that DW was waiting in the car and could I follow her. I asked her why they didn`t want to come in for a bit and she said that she would explain later. I grabbed my stuff and followed J, with a slight feeling of foreboding as she was acting so weirdly.

I got in the car and DW looked like he was about to cry. Then J turned to me and said "I am really sorry that we have to be the ones to tell you this but we have reason to believe that D is cheating on you.. with men." I thought she was taking the piss at first and I was slightly skeptical as DW had a bit of a reputation for being a shit-stirrer but I also knew that more than anything else, he was my friend and to say that kind of thing, there had to be some kind of reason. It turned out that D had e-mailed DW through a dating website for gay guys. D and DW have exchanged e-mails in the past so he had his e-mail address and by some bizarre twist of fate realised that it wasn`t a random guy, it was MY husband e-mailing him. He e-mailed back asking for photos etc.. and at some point my husband must have realised that it was my friend he was talking to (the details are somewhat blurry, I think I blocked alot of it) Anyway, he went into panic mode by the sounds of things and rushed round to DW`s apartment to try damage limitation. DW was obviously scared and tried to avoid him/ pretend not to be in but in the end he gave in and let him in. D tried to claim that this was the first time he had tried anything like that but DW didn`t believe him. When I talked to him, DW claimed that nothing happened between him and D, although despite everything my husband tried to seduce him. (Unforgiveable really when you think about it, it was just like the bastard though, ah well, have been rumbled, might as well try and get my end away while I am here.)

Sitting there listening to all this, I thought I was going to be sick. I had fought against alot of opposition to our marriage. My brother and Mum didn`t attend our wedding because they didn`t approve of my husband and it looked like they were right to doubt his commitment to me. To this day I wonder if it was really love or just simple pride that stopped me jacking my marriage in and coming home.

J walked back to my apartment with me (we decided against having lunch) and said that she would stay nearby while I worked out what I wanted to do/ if I would confront D/ if I was going to leave or not. My mind was a big mess and I was so incredibly angry. I couldn`t believe how stupid I had been and how much I had given up to be with someone who not only cheated on me, but cheated on me with men AND tried to seduce one of my friends. When I think back, I was foolish to stay but at the same time, I felt like I had alot to lose. Obviously D didn`t feel the same way but that is a story for another post.

I e-mailed D who was out and about somewhere for the afternoon (god knows where) and told him to get his butt home. His reply was that he was going to eat soba (Japanese noodles). I replied that I had talked to DW and thought he should come home. He was home within half an hour. I confronted him with what DW had told me and asked for his side of the story. He looked genuinely distraught at being "caught out" and I did almost feel sorry for him and I think at the end of the day, it was that pity that made me stay. I also thought that by forgiving him, we could work together to deal with his bi-sexuality and come out stronger for it. What I didn`t realise is that the whole thing would start to eat away and me and our marriage and that I would never manage to get over it/fully recover.

The day after the whole thing, my mother-in law was due to come and stay the night and watch our wedding video, which had been finished the week before. I had to sit through FIVE hours of video footage of the "happiest day of my life" and pretend everything was ok. I felt like I was dying inside that day and even 3 years later, I am amazed I managed to keep calm and not tell my MIL everything about her precious son and what he was really like.

To this day, I am not sure why I stayed. I was still working out what I wanted to do about my marriage and then my period was late. When I got the positive pregnancy test, I was torn because much as I was ecstatic that I was going to be a Mum, the reality of having a child with someone you didn`t trust/ weren`t sure that you loved anymore was hard. I made some horrible deals with god in that I would say things to myself like "If I miscarry I know it is a sign that I am supposed to leave my husband and start my live over." However, as my pregnancy progressed, I realised that I wanted the baby more than anything else so the deals stopped.

6 years on I sometimes wish I had left the day that I found out. However, if I had done that I wouldn`t have my son and I wouldn`t have met some of the amazing people I know today. I guess everything happens for a reason and while the past few years have not been easy, I don`t regret my son being born.