I don’t think I finished my post properly last week as I had so much more I wanted to say but I figured that it was nearly time to finish work so I was better of publishing the post and then writing more another time.
I have been overwhelmed by the love and support I have received from all corners after putting my post “out there.” To those of you who have been privy to my private blog/forum posts in the past, none of what I wrote would have been a big surprise but I think that more than anything I want to blog more openly about the whole thing (albeit anonymously unless you come to this blog knowing who I am already- if that makes sense) as a) it is probably an important part of my recovery and b) I would like my blog to help other people who find themselves in the same situation and don’t know where to look for help/how to feel. I know that when I first found out I joined an online support group based in
A lot of people have asked me why I didn’t leave my marriage sooner as sticking it out for two years after J was born must have been hard. (It was) Those of you who live in
I think that a lot of the time, I potter through life telling everyone I am just fine because that is what I have become accustomed to doing and obviously I have to stay strong for J, as a mother who is constantly an emotional mess isn’t good for him. It is only really during “alone time” that I allow myself to dwell, which is why it isn’t a good thing for me to have too much time on my own! ;-) Usually this isn’t a big problem but over the past couple of weeks I have had a lot of time to myself and the result has been a recognition of the fact that I really need to start to process my feelings about D and his lies properly and I need to address what has happened over the past few years without pushing it all to the back of my mind as otherwise I will never truly heal. I am hoping that blogging in this way will help.
Sadness: The list of things I feel sad about is endless. I am sad that my marriage wasn’t the happy one I thought it would be when I made that choice. I am sad that I had to give up what was essentially (apart from the shit marriage part) a happy existence in
Bitterness: I am bitter that I have completely lost sight of who I used to be. I am a long way to regaining the confidence that got stripped away bit by bit as D took it upon himself to make himself feel better about his activities by making me feel worse about my very existence, but I have a long way to go. I am bitter that I have been forced into lying to his parents because he isn’t enough of a man to admit that HE was the one in the wrong and that we should never have gotten married in the first place. I am bitter than I had the best years of my 20s taken away from me and that I may never get to have more kids because of this whole fiasco.
BUT I should add that I do feel like I am getting better. I am getting stronger and even in my darkest moments I am able to recognise that in so many ways and despite everything that has happened, I am a very lucky woman. I have a healthy son who is very happy with his lot in life and full of sunshine and giggles. I have some wonderful friends all over the world who I know will always be there to listen and send hugs if I need them. I have a boyfriend who I love and trust, which is something I thought I would never be able to say and I have gone from feeling useless and unattractive to feeling comfortable in my own skin. I have whole days when I don’t think about the past and what happened. Obviously with the daily reminder of his existence in the form of my son, I will never be able to completely forget what happened but at least I have got to the stage now where I accept that it wasn’t my fault as there was no way I could have known that any of this would happen.
A couple of years ago I met someone amazing who put alot of things in perspective for me. (My guardian angel as I call him) He showed me that no matter what life throws at you, the best thing you can do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep living every day as it if was your last. That message is what has kept me going through all the pain of my divorce and D's subsequent refusal to have anything to do with our son. Much as I am indulging in a little bit of self-pity at the moment I know deep down that no matter what else happens, while I am healthy and alive (touch wood) and J, my parents and family are all healthy and alive then actually, life is pretty good. :-)
(((Massive hugs))).Just read your posts for the first time.So beautifully written and obvioulsy straight from the heart.You made me cry,you!
ReplyDeleteWhat you have been through(are going through) is something that many of us cannot relate to personally.However,what always makes me just bow my head to you with respect,is that you are going through such a great loss(and the loss of a marriage and trust is the same,I would think,as death and mourning) without being able to get the understanding and support from some of those closest to you.I so admire your strength and courage to do what you do(and have done)and my god,J is so so lucky to have to you for his mum!And alos,it takes a lot of courage to turn round and admit that life is still tough and wounds are still healing.
Love ya xx
Ditto big hugs. I think picking ourselves up and dusting ourselves off is so important and something I just need to master I think. You are a beautiful woman, with an absolutely adorable son, and a man, who though has given you too much time to dwell on your own lately, is also adorable and has his heart in all the right places. xox
ReplyDeleteI've told you before, I think you are an amazing woman. Don't feel guilty about doing this, you are working through it and that is a healthy thing. Much love from me.
ReplyDeleteHUGS
ReplyDeleteYou are so strong and its so sad that you had to experience this hurtful and difficult experience. I still can't believe you have kept your exs secret after all this time - you are amazing and everyone knows it!!